My feelings; My thoughts; My Ideas

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Stare blankly into the sky.. Something I nvr done before.. I saw the emails she sent to me... Sometimes I ask myself.. Did I make the right choice in gg into this relationship?

I always wish there is a time machine which allow me to go back in time to correct the mistake that I make.. This time I really wish there is one.. So that we would not be so hurt..

To patch or not? This sentence has been in my mind the whole time.. 1 side said yes the other said no.. My no factors out-weight the yes. I really don't what to do or said..

Never call anyone or inform anyone expect dropped zhenzhen a text about our broke off. I don't what is stopping me but maybe I just want to be alone.. Go to a place where I can be alone but I can't..

Planning to get marry.. Something I never though of till her but in the end I have to force myself to let everything go.. It really hurts alot. I know how much I'm hurting her too but I really hope some day she will understand.. For now, I hope she will remain strong.. Texted her last night and the only reply I got was "I will take care of myself and thanks"

I know she is still crying. I really wish I can go over and give her a big hug and tell her I still love her. I just do not know why am I torturing both of us. Am I making the right choice?

Everything feel so different.. So empty inside me.. No one to look forward to. Just work to keep my busy from staring in space and feeling sad..

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

We talked yesterday.. Or rather she was the one who wanted to talk and get back together but I did not said anything.

I know that was the chance for us to get back again.. But why didn't I? I can only said is this time round I'm unsure.. I miss her, I still love her but the thought of us going through all of these over and over again is unbearable for me..

As much as I want to be hug her and tell her that everything is alright, I didn't. The only thing that is in my mind now is for her to go back.. I can't give her the happiness she want nor do I want her to suffer here.. Selfish thinking? I guess so.. I guess I just do not want her to go through everything over and over again. She has suffer enough for the past 1.5yrs in this relationship.

Time for me to be a man let her go. I know she will feel very hurt and I really do hope she hate me but at the same time I hope she understand that all I want is to see the smile back on her face. Been with me for the past 1.5yrs has been very stressful to both of us. The only reason why till today I can still handle all these partly is because my family, friends and everything is here.. Who and what does she have? She do not even have a house which she can call home..

I do not know if she will resign and go back but I do hope she will. At least leave this sad place, back to a place where it would bring back her smile.

The only way to feel better is to blog.. A blog which no one will read but I know when I look back I will remember all those things that happened..

I really wish I can tell her I'm sorry for hurting you so much. Although I still love you, it's this love that make me so heartless to let you go..In the hope that you will live a life happier than been with me. I know now you will know not feel this way but I just hope that 6 months to a year from now, you will enjoy your life better than been with me so that all these that I have done would be worth it.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Wah.. My last post was year 2009.. That was about my first HR job.. Now, I'm about 2yrs in this line, pay wise well it has increase quite alot as for experience wise, I really learn alot. From a don't know anything to someone who is working in RWS and in-charge of all the foreign workers pass and etc.. It's not an easy job especially when there is about 3000 in total foreign workers including those expat.

The first day since about 2 yrs i blog and also the day we broke off. Been together for about 1.5yrs. Actually we have been quarreling and arguing at least twice a month.. The old me would have want to get out of the relationship 6months into it if something like that keep happening but I guess I really just find it tough to just let it go. This time I really put in my future and feeling into it but as usual, everything go back to square one..

I do not know what will happen from here on but finally I'm able to go for my degree. Something which I wanted to do since I completed my NS. My results since primary 4 haven been that good.. I would said if i can manage a pass I should be happy but this time round I really have to work triple hard to score and when I mean score I mean I must get my first class honors. I know it's not easy moreover my work load is so heavy but this is my last chance to get a good result so that at the very least I see a light in my future..

I guess I really have to learn to let her go coz I'm the one causing all these pain to her. Now since we break off, she can go back and be with her parents so she would not have to suffer so much.
I wanted to tell her all these and said I'm sorry but guess the word sorry doesn't really help..